Wait, what the heck? How long have I been here?
Well, it depends on what you mean.
I mean HOW LONG have I BEEN. HERE.
See, you’re missing out on so many other questions you could be asking. You’ve only been awake for about seventeen seconds, so there you go! Seventeen seconds! And now it’s roughly twenty eight!
Fuck that!
Oh how exciting!
No, how long have I…been…present in this…location?
You mean your body or your mind?
FUCK. My…body?
Aha, well now we’re getting somewhere. Your body has been in this chamber for about six thousand years.
SIX THOUSAND YEARS?
Hang on, I’m getting a message.
SIX THOUSAND?
Yes, ok, I’ve just been reminded to tell you that your Earth years equate to about twelve years here.
Heavy breathing.
So based on your Earth-year frame of reference, it’s only been about five hundred Earth years.
Breathing intensifies.
Is this a problem?
YOU.
I beg your pardon?
Where…
Aha, you are now wondering where this chamber is located?
YES.
Well, that’s pretty straightforward. You’re inside a vacuum-sealed de-radiation chamber on Exelon-7.
Death stares.
I take it from your blood pressure that you are dissatisfied with this response.
Dissatisfied…
I had been led to believe that Earth-folk benefit greatly from the statement of objective fact.
Bewildered chuckle.
It’s working!
NO it’s not working, I want to know who the hell told you THAT?
That we are on Exelon-7?
That humans like FACTS. Because I can tell you right now that that is some buuuuuuullshit.
Bullshit?
Bullshit!
This I do not know.
I guess you’re asking the questions now! Bullshit! Caca! Doo doo! Fucking…bullshit!
Your explanation is lacking.
It means it’s not fucking TRUE. Humans are full of shit, and they are only happy when you feed them shit! Which I think YOU’RE doing to me, because I’m in some…radiation…thing…on fucking…Exelon 7? What even is that?
Exelon 7 is a moon of Jupiter II.
Outright laughter.
I must make note of your humorous response.
Wait wait wait, I’ve been in this…thing…for 500 years?
That IS correct!
How am I alive?
What a great question! I’ve been anticipating it. Your body has sustained life due to an infusion of Fungal Marvels 8 and 15, discovered right here on Exelon-7.
Looking down for the first time. What the…
The prolonged exposure has had remarkable success in rejuvenating your body’s essential protein deposits.
Screams of horror.
Your reaction is not dissimilar to others in your subject group.
What the fuck has happened to me?
Like I said, Fungal Marvels 8 and 15 have been applied to various internal organs as a means of resuscitating your brain’s electrical activity.
That doesn’t make any fucking SENSE.
I see, but it does. It’s the primary purpose of this outpost.
This…outpost?
Research developments on Exelon-7 have seen great financial investment after the discovery of certain Fungal Marvels some three hundred and seventy-seven Earth years ago.
Three hundred…
And seventy-seven, if my conversion is correct.
But you said I’ve been here for 500 years.
That is also correct.
What was I doing before the…Fungus?
Fungal Marvels.
Yeah, Fungal Marvels. You said those are why I’m alive?
That is also correct.
Was I dead?
Since the development of our Organization, we have ceased to use the word Dead.
What…
But for your colloquial understanding, yes. Your body ceased to exhibit life.
Heaviest breathing.
I see once again your blood pressure is rising, I’m going to administer a…
I was fucking DEAD?
Like I said, we don’t…
DON’T GIVE ME THAT SHIT. How was I dead?
It’s probably best that we save this question for another time.
NUH UH. YOU TELL ME.
I refuse.
YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW.
For the sake of your physical and mental well-being, it has been decided that the objective fact behind your question will be revealed at a later time.
Nonono come on, man, you can’t keep something like that from me!
I’ll make note that you said this! Because yes, I can. Your observation about objective facts becomes apparent already. Is this the “bullshit?”
No I mean, like, it’s really not cool to keep that a secret!
Aha, very good, I’ll bear that in mind. Goodnight.
Goodnight? What does that mean goodn…
Near-instant snoring.